The Greater Good
by GraeLeigh3
Summary: Set after the show's final : Friend in Need. It's my first Xena fic. Please don't hesitate to read and review!
1. Chapter 1

Okay folks, I fell into the Xena fandom a couple months ago (literally!), became a complete Lucy's fan (just watching her sing makes me melt) and went to the Xena convention and Lucy's concert two weeks ago in London. Saying that I had a blast isn't even close to the truth :D

So here is the first (very short) chapter of my first Xena fic.  
I honestly have absolutely no idea what way it'll go but well, couldn't get this out of my head.  
So here goes, feedback, impressions, thoughts, everything welcome.

Disclaimer: they are not mine or 1) Xena wouldn't have died 2) Xena movie would have been made ages ago.

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It hurts.

It hurts like I never thought it would. For all the times we both came back from the dead, I thought this one would be better. That it'd be easier.  
But today I realize how wrong I have been and there is no way out of this.

Our routine hasn't changed: we are still walking and sitting side by side, even riding like old times the same horse, chatting until dawn, trying to make out forms in the stars.  
But as close and connected as we are now, I miss her.

Isn't it paradoxal? Xena respected our vow: even in death, we wouldn't leave each other. That death wouldn't keep us apart.

Xena had to be dead to kill Yodoshi and she chose to stay dead so the souls Yodoshi held captive could remain at peace.  
And she didn't tell me about any of it before it was too late.  
How I hate her for this. How I hate her for this. How I hate her for putting the well-being of others, of some strangers, first. First before us.  
And I'm the one to blame for it since it's thanks to my 'influence' on her that she was capable to sacrifice herself for the Greater Good.  
How I hate myself for it all.  
For crossing her path in the first place.  
For changing her true nature.  
If there was even a small amount of evil left in her, she'd have come back from the dead once more.  
She'd have come back to me.

Now Xena is mine only since her soul would never leave me and I'm the only one who can see her, who can touch her.

She's with me every single time of every single day, noone can harm her, she is safe. But I feel guilty that I'm the one keeping her here.  
Surely there are betters things to do in the other world than staying by my side.  
Maybe she'd settle down somewhere, share the life of all the souls she saved. Taking into account all we have seen in the past six years, this possibility wouldn't surprise me that much.  
But the idea of my warrior sharing someone else's life, away from me, hurts even more.

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_So what you should I do: go on or trash it?_


	2. Chapter 2

So you guys could give me feedback and opinions, I thought I'd post the second chapter.  
Not that it's longer than the first, but it might help to get an idea about the fic! lol

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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She's hurting, every part of her being is screaming in pain, emotional one.  
Gabrielle is only a couple feet away from me but I can feel it, it's hitting me in waves, like a tsunami will.  
Respecting our vow isn't difficult, I couldn't stay away from her. I couldn't in life, no way I could in death. I need her. I need Gabrielle like I needed my next breath.  
She was my anchor to life, she still is.

For the last couple months, I have stood by her side, watching her, supporting her, witnessing the great warrior she's become. I always knew she was skilled, but she's improving with every battle she is part of. She's doing great but as skilled as she is, I fear for her safety because I couldn't be able to help if anything happened to her.  
I've the fear to see her die in my arms without being able to do anything: my capabilities to be seen and touched only apply to her.  
Gabrielle, my soul mate, the human being I love more than life itself.

Or so I thought because I chose to remain dead to save thousands of souls. I chose them over her, over us, and as much as I regret it, there is nothing I can do about it.  
So for eternity, I'll be Gabrielle's ghost, only seen and touched by her. And I know it's hurting her. She's brave and won't say anything but I know it does. Even if I couldn't hear her thoughts (a supposed advantage but a real curse), it's obvious in her being: the sad eyes I sometimes see when she thinks I'm asleep. I might be a ghost who doesn't need anything earthy but we kept our routine the way we were. Only change is when we are riding Warrior, her pare, she's now sitting in front of me, with my hands circling strongly her waist.  
I can only imagine what it must look like for those who can't see me.

I know what she's thinking; I know she wants for us to be reunited. If we can't in life, like we did many times, we'd in death. She wants to die so we can be together again. And it's tempting, God know how tempted I am to follow her through this. My mind screams it'd be wrong, my heart screams it'd be only fair.

I swore to spend my life redeeming myself and I did but that battle against Yodoshi was a little too big for me. Sure I'd have turn around and left but that'd have been wrong. I told Gabrielle early on that the Greater Good was worth dying for but if dying means hurting the person I love the most, I'm not so sure it's worth it anymore.

* * *

_So what you should I do: go on or trash it?_


	3. Chapter 3

Looks like this fic is getting a couple hits, let's see what you think of chapter 3 :)

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

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Coming to stand behind her, I lay a hand on her bare shoulder, startling her a bit.  
We watch the sun set behind a snowy mountain in companion silence.  
Strangely, our minds are at peace at that moment: Mine is empty and so is hers.  
It's magical this bond we shared from the very beginning: this utter trust although we had no reason to. Guess faith has a funny way to play with your life sometimes.

- "You cold?", I ask her as I feel her shiver.

A second later she lean back against my body, reaching around she grabs my hands and loop them around her waist.  
I'm more than happy to oblige her as I hug her tightly. A soft whimper escapes her lips, as she gets comfortable.  
Laying my chin on her shoulder, I can't help but whimper too.

- "You know we can't do this", I whisper a long moment later.  
- "What are you talking about?", she queries softly.  
- "What you have in mind", I explain softly, feeling her stiffen in my arms.  
- "As much as I'd love that, you can't commit suicide"

She doesn't respond and I can hear her mind work around that new problem.  
I always loved to see Gabrielle's mind work around difficulties and now that I can actually see it from inside, I'm even more mesmerized. She can foresee any difficulty from many points of view. Amazing, she really became a great warrior.

Although I'd like to take credits for that, I can't, not fully. Gabrielle was a diamond which just needed guidance to reveal its full potential.

- "Xena…", she starts but I interrupt her, I know it wouldn't take much to convince me.  
- "Gabrielle I know why you want to do it but world doesn't resolve around us"  
- "It did before ", she counters angrily.  
- "I know but not anymore"  
- "The Greater Good?", she asks not so gently.  
- "Yes", I breathe not very convinced myself.  
- "Greater Good isn't always right Xena. You'd know that by now"  
- "This has nothing to do with the Great Good or your role in it, right? You're mad at me", I state very matter of factly.

I wanted to convince her gently but now I'm confronting her.  
This has been going on for way too long.

- "You bet I am", she shouts as she frees herself from my embrace and faces me.  
- "Gabrielle …", I start but she cuts me off.  
- "How dared you make such a decision Xena? How dared you put the well being of faceless strangers before us?"  
- "They weren't faceless Gabrielle. I knew many of them. I knew Akhemi…"  
- "Yeah… right … Akhemi, don't remind me. She knew from the very beginning what this would lead to"  
- "Gabrielle I don't think she…"  
- "Com' on Xena, don't give me that bullshit. She knew from the very beginning. And she knew you'd be the perfect person for her sick plan. She knew your craving of redemption would make you accept this shitty plan!"

I try to lay a hand on her shoulder to force her looking at me but she slaps it away angrily.

- "Don't you dare touching!", she growls.  
- "Gabrielle… please…", I try slowly but she cuts me off once more.  
- "Please what? Please what Xena?! I trusted you with my life, with my soul. And you destroyed it!"  
- "Gabrielle, I had no other choice! Those souls…"  
- "What change did that make? You are dead for God's sake! And I'm all alone!"  
- "You're not alone Gabrielle. I'll never leave you, you know that."

A maddish laugh cuts me off, when she looks up at me with tears in her eyes, I wish I'd reach out for her and gather her in my arms.

- "Don't you get it? You are dead!", she yells in my face.  
- "But I'll…"  
- "I know you'll always be with me. Don't you get that it's not enough?! Don't you get I need more? I need you!", she shouts before facing away from me.  
"I need you", she repeats softly, voice laced my tears.

Seconds later she drops on her knees, her back to me, hammering the ground with her fists.

For a long moment, I watch her, unable to move, frozen on spot.  
The warrior princess speechless, now that's something many would have paid to see when I was alive.

But when it comes to Gabrielle, in death as I was in life, sometimes I'm disarmed.

When I feel I can move again, I slowly walk to kneel by her side. She slaps away angrily my attempt at touching her.

- "Gabrielle …. please", I beg her.  
- "Don't you dare touching me!" she growls, fury in her eyes.  
"For all we've been through Xena, I never thought you'd be so selfish"  
- I'm not", I retort although I know I am. She's right but I refuse to admit it.

Once more, a maddish laugh mocks me.

- "Oh yes you are Xena, and you know it. When you taught me your pinch trick I'd have known something was wrong. I'd have known there was more to it than what you were telling me. But I didn't. I would never have thought you'd something so selfish to me. For everything we've been through, you owned me that much Xena"  
"You owned me the truth", she whispers as she rose on shaky legs.

Still kneeling on the ground, I remain a long moment observing her.  
She's now standing a couple feet away, her back to me, watching the lake below us and her quivering shoulders tell me she's crying.

I take some time to gather my thoughts, to decide how to approach her.  
Gabrielle is strong, determined but she's although the most caring person I ever met. Her emotions often conflict with her actions. And today is no different. It's only amplified by the situation we are in.

Once more I'm reminded that I'm the cause of her despair.  
Once more I'm reminded that I hurt the person I love the most in the world.

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_Remember, I love reviews :p_


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